You may know someone — a friend or a relative — who tends to make decisions and take actions that impede their own well-being and disrupt the lives of those who love them. Our instinct may be to give them advice. On occasion this works, but unsolicited opinions tend to be met with resistance. Almost always prayerfully conceived questions are more productive than telling people what to do. Take time to hold the person in your heart. Be aware of the possibility that your sense of what they need to do may not be God’s path for them.

Be emotionally supportive. Possibly offer help, but guard against becoming an enabler. Prepare your heart and mind to be ready for whatever way the situation may go.

The following guidelines may help.

  1. Patience and support: The troubles this person faces may have developed over a long time. Likewise, reversal of the situation may spread over an extended period. It may be helpful to consult with a wise, trusted friend or counselor for guidance and support along the way.
  2. Meditation and prayer: Try to feel the situation deep within yourself. Hold this person along with any others who are directly involved in the dynamics at the center of your being. Fall into silence and linger there.
  3. In the course of time, a picture may well up from within. If an image emerges, explore possibilities of what God may be saying to you through it. Plant the image in your heart. Over time, details may develop or the picture may evolve, bringing additional insight.
  4. Take regular quiet time to see into your own heart and feel your own pain that results from your desire for the person to change. Acknowledge within yourself the realities of the circumstances. Try to put aside any urge to do something. Rather sit with your emotions and wait for clarity to arrive as you begin to visualize a useful response.
  5. ­­­­­­You may not be able to “fix” the situation, but you can cultivate a practice of love, forgiveness, and prayerful presence to the person, the situation, and to your own emotions and responses. Try to hold the person deep within on a continual basis, at the same time opening yourself to God’s compassion, truth, and wisdom.
  6. Mindfulness and presence: To the extent possible, be a prayerful, non-anxious presence. Try to maintain open communication, listening with all of your senses, being honest in a way that is gentle and measured, never pushy.
  7. Possibly offer help, but with caution. Avoid doing anything that is likely to perpetuate self-destructive behavior. Take care not to become an enabler. Be wary of trying to save the person from the consequences of any self-destructive behavior. Be cautious about assuming responsibilities that they need to learn to manage for themselves. If you help, do so without expectation of a return, but rather as an unobligated act of love.
  8. Ideally, we want to keep the channels of communication open with the goal of moving the person toward healing and wholeness. With adequate prayer and consideration, it may be possible to come up with constructive suggestions, a diplomatic approach to planting your ideas, and a sense of timing as to when to offer your thoughts. Nevertheless, unsolicited advice can create a barrier.
  9. Make a point of listening carefully on a continuing basis to what the person says. Gently pose questions to get a sense of their concerns, their needs, their fears, their vulnerabilities. In the course of time, you may be able to find openings to pose thoughtful questions to help draw the person out so that they begin to acknowledge the realities of their situation and, in time, start to see for themselves positive steps they could take.
  10. In such a situation, there are three signs of the Spirit most likely to emerge that point to progress: energy, joy, and peace. Indications of these signs affirm forward movement. Their opposites are negative signs of the Spirit that suggest that something is stuck. Energy can be perceived when the person is motivated to follow through with positive steps to address the matter or, within yourself, when you grasp and resolve your own suffering. The longer this energy persists, the stronger the sign. Joy is not likely to be euphoric in the early stages, so even a receding gloom can be reason for encouragement. Peace may not quickly appear as total serenity, but more likely will emerge as a slow increase in inner confidence. And bear in mind that negative signs alert caution.

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform:
He plants His footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.

– William Cowper, 1774