The death of a spouse is a profound loss. It affects life on most every level, setting off a major life transition. No two people’s needs are identical. Each person handles things in a different way. It takes a discerning heart to sense how to be most helpful.

Here are some guidelines that may help.

  1. Several times a day, snatch a few minutes of inner stillness to hold the person at the center of your being.
  2. In addition to your ears, listen with your eyes to sense the needs of your bereaved friend or relative. If possible, try to have some alone time with them to share memories, let them talk, and draw them out. Sit still and just be present. There is no need to respond to expressions of emotions and deep feelings that may pour out. Frequently, those who have suffered such a loss feel extreme anger or remorse. They may need to “tell the story” again and again. Listen patiently, even though you may have heard it several times. Your role here is not to solve problems, but to allow this person to express whatever they are feeling at that moment, without judgment. And remember that each person responds in their own way to loss and sorrow.
  3. Over the course of time, ask yourself questions such as: Does the person need more time to be alone and mourn in private? More opportunity to be with people to work through emotional complexities? More quiet social companionship? Does the person need help going through the personal possessions of the deceased? Getting a handle on financial matters? Assembling documents needed for settling the estate? Getting out thank-you notes? Managing household responsibilities or property upkeep? Would the one grieving appreciate an invitation to a holiday meal or to celebrate a birthday? Are they ready for a more active social life? Is it time for a day trip or overnight outing for a brief change of scenery? Might a pastoral counselor or a grief support group be right for this person?
  4. Do not look for immediate and decisive answers to your questions. Stay fluid and open. No individual can be all things to another person. To discern where and how you best fit into the picture, await signs of the Spirit to signal your direction. First and foremost, look for a deep calm to settle beneath ripples of uncertainty within you. That is the peace of God, the essential sign. A lingering sense of agitation indicates that the discernment needs more time. An inflow of energy or joy is a positive sign. As you proceed, stay attuned to the movement of the Spirit, alert to signs that may wane or new signs that may emerge. Follow the flow of the Spirit. Possibly recruit a few of your friends who are spiritually inclined to gather on some regular basis to help you with this discernment.
  5. A new widow or widower may be considering changes that require discernment such as: a move from their current home or a major geographic relocation; a change in lifestyle precipitated by financial or emotional considerations; choice of advisors (legal, financial, etc.); new relationships that may include dating. As their friend or relative you may have strong opinions about their choices. However, we can never know for sure what is best for another person. Be cautious about your unsolicited advice. Even if your perception is right, such advice often is not well received and can set up barriers to future communication. In the event your advice is requested, be a calm, caring listener and encourage the conversation in a way that allows the person to consider the pros and cons in a healthy way and to arrive at their own decision after more discernment.

Silently now I wait for Thee,
Ready, my God, Thy will to see;
Open my heart, illumine me,
Spirit divine.

– Words by Charles H. Scott from the hymn “Open My Eyes”